The Meaning of the Word "Romantic"

This was an email I sent to someone.  Thought I'd just stick it up here for comment.

The dictionary definitions of the word "romantic" are like this:
 romantic: having no basis in fact : imaginary 
 romantic : impractical in conception or plan : visionary
 romantic : marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized
 romantic : of, relating to, or having the characteristics of romanticism
 romantic : of or relating to music of the 19th century characterized by an emphasis on subjective emotional qualities and freedom of form; also : of or relating to a composer of this music
 romantic : having an inclination for romance : responsive to the appeal of what is idealized, heroic, or adventurous
 romantic : marked by expressions of love or affection
 romantic : conducive to or suitable for lovemaking
 romantic : of, relating to, or constituting the part of the hero especially in a light comedy

I think that when a young or new lover is just starting out with someone else, it is more of a "looking ahead" and an "imagining and hoping and buying into something envisioned" kind of thing.  They've both got the dreams and hopes and pleasant imaginings, and it's partly about saying "Let's try to make some of that at least, come/feel true."

But once people are committed to one another, when they mention "romance" they're mostly either looking back in terms of idealizing the past, or in terms of trying to recapture it or enjoy something that reminds them of it.  Which has to do with nostalgia.  Which raises the question of significance.

  In my vast, storied and much vaunted experiences with ladies, I have found that, while it's going on, you don't quite know what any of it feels like yet while you're in the moment.  Afterward, of course, you decide what it meant, what it didn't mean, what it felt like, how you remember it, and all of that.  You construct and ascribe significance.  You make the memory what it's going to be. The hurt feelings in promiscuous sex usually come, I believe, from either (or any) of the parties being too human to keep from ascribing significance to the thing.  I don't know if animals ascribe significance to things.  I know that anniversaries, birthdays and memorials, eulogies, tributes, blessings and all of that are about marking an occasion or the number of years passed since an occasion, and deciding the thing was significant and wanting to mark that somehow.

People contrast the glowy, "my spouse/kid/parent is all magic and the Best One On The Planet" feelings and experiences (which I think we all like to have, but sometimes fail to see the capacity for drunkenness in and clear risk of being a fool before others) with the "I deeply appreciate it when my spouse/kid/parent does really useful, needed, everyday, undramatic 'little' things that one would shrink from romanticizing (like cleaning a toilet after I threw up in it from my chemo or whatever).  The feelings are kind of the same, they're kind of deep, and yet they're different.

  Because we have this idea that God meant/expects all things to be perfect (atheists: pretend I said "That we have to make everything perfect.")  That He has been forced to deal with imperfection and that this is our job to fix.  That every time we have a gathering, a relationship, a child or whatever, that it "has to be perfect" and it never is, not even for a moment, to our shame, despite what we're working with, but we live for those moments we can pretend that, right now, it's perfect.  But it never ever is.  Yet we want to pretend.

So "romantic" can often mean "when we pretend it's perfect and nothing besides euphoric" and then there's this other stuff that deals with compassion, competence and faithfulness in dealing excellently with the imperfections seen in the whole thing.  So, a rose can be "so romantic" but cleaning up messes is something else that is quite, yet, not entirely different.  Part of a thing that deals in "making things ok that otherwise wouldn't be" instead of "helping pretending things are perfect, So We Can Rest."

No, even Solomon didn't feel foolish pretending, idealizing, imagining and all of that.  So maybe there's a place for it.  But when the virtuous woman is described, one tends to feel "Yeah, that's what a wife should do, but it's not very Romantic."  And it isn't.  And maybe we're not wrong that it isn't.  Maybe romance is one thing, and not everything, and maybe not everything is romance.

I know that it's not just me that wishes day-to-day life was more adventurous, mysterious, heroic and all of that romantic stuff.  But we plan our lives to make damn sure they aren't.