The Parable of the Earnest Fireman

There once was a man who had never met a fireman before.  Upon a certain day he met a man who proudly pronounced that he himself was a fireman.  Having heard that a neighborhood house was aflame with a child trapped inside, and seeing the fireman standing on the sidewalk, he asked in concern "Has that child been rescued from that burning house?  Is the fire out?"

  "I'm so glad you raised this topic!" the fireman replied.  "My fire marshal said this would happen!  I don't mind telling you that I absolutely love being a fireman.  It's the single, best, most wonderful defining point of my life.  My entire self is built around being one.  We have weekly meetings about fire safety and being firemen and how bad fire is.  I would really love it if you came to one!"

  "Yes, but have you handled that fire yet?" the man asked with concern.

  "Well, I did the right thing, if that's what you mean.  I played my little part to raise awareness of the dangers of fires and fire-related things. I always try to do what's right for a fireman.  Fire Marshal Bob says I'm a good fireman. I just finished polishing the firetruck!  Do you want to see?" the fireman asked.

  "But is the fire out?" the man asked again.

  "I followed all the rules. I didn't do anything wrong. I try very hard to follow the rules. My boots are very shiny. Every Friday I polish them.  If you came to our biweekly grooming standards meeting on Tuesday, I could show you how," the fireman continued.

  Perturbed, the man asked "Do you even know if that house is still on fire right now or not?"

  Equally perturbed, the fireman asked in return "What house? Why are you talking about  a house?  Did I not tell you what a good fireman I am and all of the good, important, special fireman things I do each week? I always try to do the right thing. We have one particular song about folding the hoses that we love to sing. Would you like to hear it?"

  "Not really," the man replied. "What can you actually tell me about fire? In general, I mean.  You are, you say, a fireman, correct?"

  "Of course I am.  You should be one too!  If you're interested, I can get you a form right now and sign you up!  It's really easy.  Anyone can be a fireman," the fireman said.  "We have three firemen who are in wheelchairs, a blind one and we have the youngest fireman in the entire country.  He's very keen.  Only six years old."

  "But what can you tell me about fire?  Like, in general," the man repeated.

  The fireman furrowed his brow as if recalling something he'd been told long ago and then said "Fire is really, really bad. It's pretty, admittedly, just so we'll be tempted to like it, and it makes us warm when we're cold, but we shouldn't be fooled. It is so totally dangerous that no one should even own matches or barbeque lighters.  It is is really, really super bad, actually. I need to always remind myself to remember that every day!"

 "Look, I don't feel very reassured by the quality of fire protection seemingly offered by, well, you.  Is there anyone else I could talk to?" the man asked.

  "Well, you could talk to my fire marshal.  His name's Marshal Bob. He's REALLY well-taught about fires and stuff!  He can answer any question!" the fireman told him.  And so the appointment was made.

*         *        *

  Two weeks later, it was time for the man's appointment with Marshal Bob.  The fire marshal was in a well-appointed, immaculate office, and was wearing a blue pinstriped suit, loafers and a gold tie.

  "First, let me start by handing you our latest brochure about the importance of not buying matches," started the marshal.  And he did so.

  "I wanted to know about that house that was on fire two weeks ago, and the child who was reportedly trapped inside," the man began.  "Is everything alright now? I didn't see anything about it in the paper..."

  "Oh, I don't really think it appropriate to get into all of that at this time, moving forward," the marshal replied.  "I have confidentiality to consider.  Very important to remember.  Something I'm always telling folks."

  "Confidentiality to protect whom?" asked the man.

  "Well, that's a great question.  I think you'll agree that confidentiality in general is a terribly important thing we would all do well to consider.  The Policies and Procedures Manual has a lot to say about it.  I really cannot, therefore, discuss actual fires of any kind with you except in the most hypothetical of scenario-building.  But for now, why not just focus on the pamphlet?  It will raise your awareness of fires and fire-starting items."

  "Ok, but don't you think that responsible people could safely use matches without concern?" the man asked.

  "Oh, that's a very commonly held misconception!  All of that is explained in this pamphlet I am reasonably sure," the marshal said, somewhat condescendingly, the man thought.

  "For one thing..." the man began.

  "I'm sorry.  I'll have to stop you right there," the marshal interjected.  "I am a fire marshal, so getting into the technical details, the nitty gritty, if you will, the value-added, paradigm-shifting granularity of the extremely beneficial, growth-opportunity-ready info contained in that pamphlet?  Not really part of my job. There are folks, I imagine, who I'm fairly sure would be more than willing to get into all of that for you.  Now what can I do for you?" 

  "I see," said the man.  "Because your job is to go out and put out fires."

  The marshal smiled again, even more condescendingly.  "Again, a commonly  held misapprehension.  The pamphlet goes into that in some detail, I'm told."

  "So what do you do?" the man asked.

  The fire marshal knitted his brow, puffed out his cheeks a few times and then said "I have the privilege to be on the oversight committee, which I chair monthly, to speak to issues surrounding the ongoing initiative to change hearts and minds and raise awareness of fire-related concepts. The team's mandate is broad, shallow and far-reaching."

  "Do you have a fire truck?" the man asked, a suspicion growing behind his eyes.

  "Well, the department certainly has several top-of-the-line, very progressive fire awareness raising vehicles which are, I imagine, housed in our vehicle housing facility.  I was actually on the steering committee which facilitated acquiring and standardizing these acquisitions," he added proudly.

  "Can you drive one?" the man asked.

  "Well, I suppose I COULD if I had wanted," the marshal said, looking startled.  "Of course we've standardized them all  fully, so that question is moot at this point."

  "Standardized?" the man asked.

  "Yes.  We have made the vehicles one hundred and twenty percent compliant with our fire awareness and combustibility index protocol procedure," he said, once again with obvious pride.  "You really should come out to one of our meetings.  I'm sure you'd be very impressed.  It gives even the most casual attender a warm sense of purposefulness, effectivity and involvedness just to have their awareness raised like that.  Value added, of course.  Rolls over into so many beneficial areas. We speak to and table all kinds of things!"

  "What exactly was involved in standardizing the vehicles?" the man asked more pointedly and with a growing suspicion.

  "Well, we have adapted them to make them comply, as I said, one hundred and twenty..."

  "What was necessary to do, literally, with your hands, to make them comply?" the man asked, interrupting.

  "Well, as I was on the steering committee I was not personally tasked, of course, with any hands-on work. Oh no, our sub-committees have qualified hands-on folks who are personally tasked with overseeing any of that sort of procedure or protocol.  I simply make it happen," the marshal continued.  "I make so many things happen I sometimes have trouble remembering everything I'm doing," he added, conspiratorially.

  "If I were talking to some of those people, and I asked them what they do to the vehicles, what would they tell me?" the man asked.

  "Not really something I'm qualified to speak to, exactly.  I'm not really involved at the on-the-ground level, naturally.  But, obviously, the removal of anything flammable from the interior or design of the vehicle in question.  We mandated that quite clearly.  No limit to how worried about safety we should all be!" the marshal replied.  "'Worrying Makes A Difference!' I always say."

  "What kind of flammable things?" the man pressed.

  "You do have a most...interesting way of returning over and over again to the same, if you don't mind my saying, rather odd concerns.  But, I suppose, anything made of paper, or rubber, wood, plastic and any flammable liquid..." the marshal began.

  With a horrible realization the man asked "So, things like tires, oil and gasoline?"

  "Precisely!" the marshal replied.  "Can't be too safe.  And of course boots and hoses are not allowed on-board the stationary fire awareness raising vehicles!  They are to be stowed prior to approaching the vehicles in special fire-retardant lockers housed in a separate room.  And we comply with our Go Green ecological mandate as to not wasting water, so our vehicles have been one hundred and thirty percent free of water, water tanks or anything water related ten years running.   But all of that's not really a part of my day-to-day concern.  I am involved at a higher level than the folks who oversee, chair, table, facilitate, mentor, instill and generally supervise that kind of issue.  I'm trying to make a difference.  I mean, we can put out fires one at a time, or we can change minds!  It's never too late to begin raising awareness, I always say.  You really should come out to our next meeting."

  "I feel safer already," the man replied, somewhat disengenuously.