I Don't Hate You/Us

  It has been brought to my attention that Christians in general, and Plymouth Brethren ones in particular, could perhaps be forgiven for thinking I "hate" them.  Them.  Us.  That's the problem, you see.  Plymouth Brethren aren't "them" to me.  They are us.

  It doesn't make any difference to me that my local group of PBs don't recognize me as part of "them."  I am nonetheless.

  And I want more for my people.  More than fear, more than denial, more than faking it.  I know that I took my upbringing among us/them very seriously, and really tried to live it and make it work.  Thing is, for various reasons, not the least of which were things like:

-the climate of my local assembly,
-the decade we were then living in and unthinkingly applying century-old isolationist views to,
and
-the specific spin being put on the teaching there,

it did not.  It did not work at all.  It did not make me love Jesus and Christians.  It did not make me feel grateful and blessed.  It made me want to be dead.  For years it made me want to be dead.

  As it was practiced, and as it was presented, and as it was wordlessly demanded and expected of me, it made me feel I could not be myself, nor pursue authentic thinking, feeling and relationship with God, Christianity, the bible or Christ.  I felt that if I wanted to pursue any of those, that I had to go through a process of setting aside pat, trite, acronymical answers.   I felt I had to accept that I didn't actually know and understand all the stuff I'd been taught to feel I did. I felt I had to open myself to more authentic stuff being available.  I believed God wanted to be found and could be, if one followed an honest seeking of Him as someone one would have to get to know over time, and have a chance to be a person in His own right, rather than merely a holding fast to ancient human traditions and doctrine, and all the boasts and claims that went along with it.  There was such a pervasive climate of "faking it," of telling everyone (including one's self) that one felt and thought whatever one thought was most devout, that I couldn't stand it.  And when I eventually got onto the Internet, simple blog entries like this one, or honest comments on forums would repeatedly result in two things:

-people seeing nothing offensive about congratulating me, a Christian, for being "honest."  What?!  That's novel now?  It's worthy of comment and accolades? Makes me stand out from the pack?

-people gushing about how "real" everyone, including themselves seemed effortlessly able to be.  On the fake, plastic Internet, often not even using their real name or picture.

  Even in my early twenties, I wanted more than all this empty fakery.  I believed in a God and believed that faking Him was an affront to Him, and confusion to any that might seek Him.  I had a life I was about to start living, and I wanted something I could do that worked, and I wasn't getting it.  This upset the locals and was a big part of why I couldn't fit, and why I was eventually quietly gotten rid of.  There is nothing more upsetting to a pat answer than a straight question that doesn't go away. But I've been asked why I feel the need of trying to bring "them" down.  Why I hate "them." (Us)

  So, decades later, I need to be clear.  I don't hate you/them/us.  I am you/them/us.  And I want more for us.