One of my fellow teachers told me about this class he taught one year, with very slow kids in it, including one girl who was mentally handicapped. She was the kind of person who meets every circumstance with either a bright smile or a worried look of confusion. She wasn't taking the course for credit, but rather was intended to benefit from inclusion in the experience.
One week, the kids had been being bad. You know, kicking, tripping, swearing at each other. So my fellow teacher started to lecture them about their behaviour. In the voice he uses when he's tired of them, had enough, been keeping his temper in for too long, and although he's not shouting or ranting, he's just tired of it. And this little teenager in her wheelchair, who never did anything wrong, started to shake. Her lower lip stuck out and tears started to form.
My colleague melted instantly and went to her and said "I don't mean you! You're not in trouble. I'm talking to people who've been doing these things. I need to talk to them. I'm not talking to you..." But it made no difference. She just sat and sobbed and was scared to look at him for a while.
Hearing the Bible in That Voice
Hearing the Bible in That Voice
I realize this week that I've been reading the various prophetic books of the Old Testament for some months now, and I'm really mainly picking up when God is using That Voice through His prophets. And I'm taking it personally. On my own behalf, and also on that of modern Christians certainly, of whom I am one. It sounds like the bible was written entirely to say "Hey! Dumbass! You're acting like a dumbass! Again! I hate to hit you, but you leave me no choice. Again..." God sounding like an abusive husband, again. An abusive husband with a cheating wife. That's how He sounds, page after page after page. I suspect a lot of Christians probably avoid spending much time on the middle third of the bible.
And I think maybe I'm like that girl in my friends' class. Not understanding that He might have more than the one emotion (though the one getting all the air time/pages is pretty noticeable) , and not remembering properly that He might feel anything else for us and me. Not seeing that, yes, He can get very, very angry. And stay that way for decades or even centuries. That the bible depicts Him this way. Over and over again. For the majority of its pages. But that there's more than one facet to Him.
Because the God of the bible reminds me too much of my own father. Helpful, protective, but impossibly high standards and totally silent until something needs to be criticized. Then unflinching and relentless in immediately, bluntly pointing out exactly what He thinks of whatever it is that had gotten His attention. You know? Like me in the classroom (when I'm not hanging out and chatting idly with the kids when we should be working). Like the serious (rather than the friendly) me.
Approaching God Anyway
We're always being told to take the bible at its word and pursue the promises therein. I don't see a whole lot of promises that sound like they're to me, to be frank, and I do see a whole lot of God expecting people to live truly horrific, depressing lives, and also a lot of God losing His temper. In the NT He seems just as exacting as ever, too.
But I've decided to approach Him, in a "friendly me" rather than "serious me" way. With whatever I've got on my mind that day. That's partly inspired by this article. Approach Him as me, no better than myself, not keeping my opinions and thoughts in, in case they aren't approved. No "and I am no more worthy to be called thy son" stuff. No "Well, it won't do any good. You never listen to me" stuff. And a whole lot less "Why hast Thou made me thus??!" stuff and "I suck in almost every way, and yet I honestly think I can somehow identify which personality traits are the ones You want changed, and which ones I should keep" stuff. A whole lot less "I do hereby resolve to use my own willpower to try to stop being so unacceptable unto You" stuff. And I already do a lot less of that than I was raised to. But it's the flesh, ultimately. Leads nowhere.
Maybe I can give a bit of a break to the continual self-rejection, the internalization of the "you're never quite good enough, never quite right" focus, and the unceasing resolutions to change. If I don't know Who God is properly, and have Him fairly wrong, then that needs to change more than anything else. If I don't trust Him enough to take my uncomprehending despair and frustration right to Him, then that certainly needs to change, before I start resolving all kinds of more virtuous attitudes and personality traits I think need improvement. I need to stop all that.
(I do hereby resolve to stop resolving things. You see? It's hard.)
It's one thing to mature and deepen and broaden, and gain the ability over time to be a better person. God and life can give you this. It's a whole other, lesser, thing, to just grit one's teeth and resolve to be one's self a lot less, because one isn't a good person. The former is about growth. The other is about self-erasure.
I've decided to approach God in a friendly way and see if He responds in kind(ness). And if He doesn't, still approach Him in this way. But it's hard. Because I'm spiritually handicapped. The last time in recent memory that I approached God in a friendly way and said I wanted to learn more about blessing and trust and how all of that works, someone caved in the side of my car and I was smitten by a horrendous flu that very day. I tried again, and just got the flu this time. When I tried it in my 20s, someone hit me in the face with a beer bottle, mid-prayer.
No Time As Challenging As the Present
I can believe in a loving, gracious God as to Jesus coming (past) and not sending us to Hell (future), but the present? Has always been a problem for me. And looking around at other Christians, I see it's a weak point in their spirituality for them too. Far happier talking about the past or the future. Creation, or End Times. Far happier talking about not being themselves and trusting God to accept them and not whack them so long as they don't act remotely like the real them, than they are about putting it out there and giving Him the chance to show otherwise.
We want acceptance so badly. And we won't give ourselves any of it, though we are self-indulgent in most of our actions. We do the latter, and then reject ourselves for so doing, while continuing to do that anyway. We go on dates, and keep our fingers crossed, desperate for the other person to accept us, all the while doing our desperate best to not be ourselves, not act like ourselves for even a moment. "Please accept what is left when I suppress who I am." That's ridiculous of us. Hard to stop, though. Hard to embrace: "Love this. I dare You."
It's like I have to do the spiritual equivalent of one of those "no makeup selfies." Only with my personality. And with God. But it's hard. I am spiritually handicapped.
Because the God of the bible reminds me too much of my own father. Helpful, protective, but impossibly high standards and totally silent until something needs to be criticized. Then unflinching and relentless in immediately, bluntly pointing out exactly what He thinks of whatever it is that had gotten His attention. You know? Like me in the classroom (when I'm not hanging out and chatting idly with the kids when we should be working). Like the serious (rather than the friendly) me.
Approaching God Anyway
We're always being told to take the bible at its word and pursue the promises therein. I don't see a whole lot of promises that sound like they're to me, to be frank, and I do see a whole lot of God expecting people to live truly horrific, depressing lives, and also a lot of God losing His temper. In the NT He seems just as exacting as ever, too.
But I've decided to approach Him, in a "friendly me" rather than "serious me" way. With whatever I've got on my mind that day. That's partly inspired by this article. Approach Him as me, no better than myself, not keeping my opinions and thoughts in, in case they aren't approved. No "and I am no more worthy to be called thy son" stuff. No "Well, it won't do any good. You never listen to me" stuff. And a whole lot less "Why hast Thou made me thus??!" stuff and "I suck in almost every way, and yet I honestly think I can somehow identify which personality traits are the ones You want changed, and which ones I should keep" stuff. A whole lot less "I do hereby resolve to use my own willpower to try to stop being so unacceptable unto You" stuff. And I already do a lot less of that than I was raised to. But it's the flesh, ultimately. Leads nowhere.
Maybe I can give a bit of a break to the continual self-rejection, the internalization of the "you're never quite good enough, never quite right" focus, and the unceasing resolutions to change. If I don't know Who God is properly, and have Him fairly wrong, then that needs to change more than anything else. If I don't trust Him enough to take my uncomprehending despair and frustration right to Him, then that certainly needs to change, before I start resolving all kinds of more virtuous attitudes and personality traits I think need improvement. I need to stop all that.
(I do hereby resolve to stop resolving things. You see? It's hard.)
It's one thing to mature and deepen and broaden, and gain the ability over time to be a better person. God and life can give you this. It's a whole other, lesser, thing, to just grit one's teeth and resolve to be one's self a lot less, because one isn't a good person. The former is about growth. The other is about self-erasure.
I've decided to approach God in a friendly way and see if He responds in kind(ness). And if He doesn't, still approach Him in this way. But it's hard. Because I'm spiritually handicapped. The last time in recent memory that I approached God in a friendly way and said I wanted to learn more about blessing and trust and how all of that works, someone caved in the side of my car and I was smitten by a horrendous flu that very day. I tried again, and just got the flu this time. When I tried it in my 20s, someone hit me in the face with a beer bottle, mid-prayer.
No Time As Challenging As the Present
I can believe in a loving, gracious God as to Jesus coming (past) and not sending us to Hell (future), but the present? Has always been a problem for me. And looking around at other Christians, I see it's a weak point in their spirituality for them too. Far happier talking about the past or the future. Creation, or End Times. Far happier talking about not being themselves and trusting God to accept them and not whack them so long as they don't act remotely like the real them, than they are about putting it out there and giving Him the chance to show otherwise.
We want acceptance so badly. And we won't give ourselves any of it, though we are self-indulgent in most of our actions. We do the latter, and then reject ourselves for so doing, while continuing to do that anyway. We go on dates, and keep our fingers crossed, desperate for the other person to accept us, all the while doing our desperate best to not be ourselves, not act like ourselves for even a moment. "Please accept what is left when I suppress who I am." That's ridiculous of us. Hard to stop, though. Hard to embrace: "Love this. I dare You."
It's like I have to do the spiritual equivalent of one of those "no makeup selfies." Only with my personality. And with God. But it's hard. I am spiritually handicapped.
1 comment:
that's a big one. xo.
Post a Comment