Instructions For Dealing With Legalistically Raised People

We're not all the same.  But people like us, who grew up a little bit differently from you, may be a bit hard to connect to.  Here are some things:

-we may be unforthcoming about ourselves and our pasts.  Even secretive. Some of us will say "I don't like to be analyzed" or "I don't like to talk about myself."  We grew up when the self-help books of the 70s and 80s were out there alright, but we weren't raised to believe that any good would come of introspection, of knowing ourselves.  We were told that our selves were horrible, and to simply not be them.  The expression "to thine own self be true" could not have been more alien to our approach to life.
   Collect what we are willing to share about our past carefully.  Speak of it respectfully. Do not ask us to repeat ourselves.  It was hard enough for us to talk about it once.

-We may be a bit "locked in" emotionally.  A lot of us don't do facial expressions as openly, naturally and immediately as most people.  A lot of us speak quietly, sometimes in oddly stilted voices.  A lot of us mumble.  A lot of us speak in a bit of a monotone.  Many of us carefully do not use our voices to express much of our emotional landscape.  We are making sure very little of "us" leaks out into where everyone else can hear it.
   You will need to learn to "read" us.  You will find we reveal more in what we do not say, or do not do, than in what we positively say and do.  Don't try to "draw us out" emotionally.  We will retreat.  Just make us feel safe and unjudged, and show concern and interest, rather than morbid curiosity, and we may open up a little bit in time.

-We may be hypersensitive to being disrespected, neglected or pushed around.  For many of us, our upbringing did not reward being assertive or looking after ourselves. We were to be sheep.  There wasn't a lot of talk of "going after what [we] want[ed]."  Just say no, rather than just do it.  So we often do a lot of things to make others happy and comfortable, and then get incredibly angry inside when no one notices or bothers to do the same kind of stuff for us in return, not that we've let anyone know what we need.  And being angry's "not okay," so many of us don't admit, even to ourselves, how angry we often are.  And the degree to which we admit we are angry, instead of trying to unfeel it, is the degree to which we have to feel special, additional shame.
   Be very careful to make us feel like our needs and boundaries matter.  Make sure to take our anger very seriously, especially if we can't admit to having any.

-We are, more than most people, apt to be filled with shame and depths of self-loathing that you may not be familiar with or accustomed to.  We will routinely, habitually and unthinkingly say the most horrible, self-limiting and self-disparaging things without any clue how that might sound to someone else. Even if we're good-looking, or smart or good at something, we will speak about ourselves and it in terms that would result in actual blows to the face, were they spoken to another person, instead of being directed inward.  We will especially do this when faced with praise.  We, like anyone else, crave praise, but once we get some, we shut down and can't deal with it, so we argue against the praise, or at best, mutely remain unresponsive to it, and change the subject.
   Praise us anyway.  Don't stop, just because we handle it awkwardly.  We need it.

-We tend to need structure and control. We tend to need to feel like we see clear limits and know what can and cannot happen.  In fact, we need to know what will and will not be happening, far more than typical people.
   When possible, include us in plans, and help us be able to picture what's likely to happen, in advance, so we won't be tempted to withdraw/retreat, due to all of the uncertainly and randomness.  We can imagine truly appalling things happening.  And we do.  Moment by moment.  We have a deep-seated expectation of calamity.

-We are marked with an overfocus upon rules being part of our lives.  Where most people see the rules as suggestions, or a positive vision of how things, ideally, might be, we were raised to actually follow any and all rules.  Our relationship with and to them, is different, therefore.  Very black and white.  If there's a rule that's not being enforced, we tend to either need it to be enforced, or need it removed so the shame we feel it is to see the rules on paper, but not being real things, can be erased.  When we define rules for others, we expect a level of compliance with them that is far over and above what typical people might expect.
   If you make a rule for us, consider the fact that we will feel the need to follow it to the letter, and will feel like criminals if we need to break it.  We will not readily embrace grey areas, and knowing when to bend the rules.  If you work for or under our authority, expect our view of rules to be quite black and white when compared to your own.

-Many of us were raised that the government and all human systems were corrupt, flawed and evil, and therefore may be unable to get behind any efforts designed to improve things.  Improve things?  We were raised to see such attempts as "painting the lifeboats on the Titanic."  Our whole demeanour is often one of battening down the hatches and waiting for everything to go to crap.  We live our entire lives waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And our lives end up being like that.  When we are asked to get enthusiastic and excited about a new committee, group or initiative that's going to be amazing and bring much-needed improvements, we tend to feel like someone is trying to trick us.
   Remember this when asking us to believe in world-fixing stuff.  Often we just can't.

-Many of us were raised to be completely out of touch with our own generation.  As a result, either we have self-consciously immersed ourselves in the movies, music and slang of our own generation, or in some cases, we seem old-fashioned and quaint, as if from a previous generation.  Some of us are more at home talking to old folks than people are own age, it seems.

-We can be very sarcastic.  Often, this is what we do when asked to believe in something positive, or get enthusiastic, or support something.  We can't, so we mock, criticize, judge or otherwise buy out of it.
   Try not to take this too seriously.  See it for what it is: an inability to participate or engage more directly and bluntly.

-We also tend to be passive-aggressive.  We do not tend to yell, or swear or insult and oppose directly.  Many of us, most of the time, are far more indirect and underhanded in how we oppose or respond negatively to someone we're taking a dislike to.  We aren't content to simply dislike the person and say we find them annoying and stupid.  We're quite likely to insist that, no, we actually really care about them, but just really, really think they need to consider... etc.  We don't say they're idiots.  We say their whole situation is "so sad."
   Keep this in mind. This is how we roll.  You can't really make us be more direct. 

-We tend to need a lot of personal space.  We tend to not be comfortable with sudden, unannounced touch.  We tend to need quiet and places to go off alone.  Even when invisibly part of huge crowds, we feel like there's a spotlight on us, like we're "on" at all times until we can escape the situation.
   Expect us to need, and facilitate for us, exits and escapes, planned in advance, waiting, should we feel we need them.

-We tend not to be vain in the sense of being preening peacocks.  We embrace individuality gingerly, and often get it through quaintness, outmodedness or even a plainness that is so plain as to be attention-getting.  We were raised in an environment which disapproved of people being strongly individualistic.  We very much want to be seen as individuals, despite this "muted individuality" we grew up with.
   See past our quaintness.  See us a individuals, despite the relative uniformity of our families and culture.  And if we wear an item of clothing that is individualistic, keep in mind what a bold, heart-felt manifestation of self this really is.  To you, we may all seem pretty similar in a lot of ways.  To us, we're wholly unique and we don't feel like we fit.

-We tend to not be able to remember much of our childhoods and adolescences.  We tend to not have many stories from then, and if we do, to have stories with bad stuff in them that we're carefully not thinking about.  Stuff we haven't ever really properly thought about.  Stuff we're trying to avoid ever thinking about.  Certainly with others. We already have enough shame.
   If we are in a rare mood in which we share things, make the conversation laid back and safe.  Respect privacy.  Do not expect to be able to remove the shame, or see things the way we do.  Just listen and feel with us.

-We tend to have a fair bit of trouble connecting deeply, openly and naturally with others, and maintaining lasting connections with them throughout our lives.  Our relationships tend to "die on the vine."  Often through us being closed, or actively fleeing them.
   Try to keep dealing with us through the years, even if it seems like we're growing apart.

-We tend not to divorce.  When we are in particularly unhappy marriages, we tend to feel like we need to do our duty.  Sacrifice our own needs for those of our children.  The phrases "The thrill is gone" and "I'm just not happy" do not come to bear.  They aren't considered anything but a sad reality that must be endured.
   Do not assume, when talking to us about our marriages, that we're about to leave the marriage, should we get sufficiently unhappy.  And don't try to make us plan our lives that way.  It's now how we are.

There's more.  A lot more.  But there's a start.