A few thoughts on When Something Bad Happens To You.
(I'm getting this from what it's like to be hit in the face. Hasn't happened for a while, and it was never my parents who did it, but I think the basics apply)
There is a bit of a delay before you realize what has happened. Confusion, doubt, denial can happen. In fact, the deeper the wound, or the more sudden and damaging the Bad Thing is, generally the more "shocking" it can be, in terms of you going into a bit of a state of shock and not being able to grasp what is going on and what has Just Happened. The parade of faces shouting "Get Over It!" are expressing their own frustration alright, but they aren't doing much good at this point. You don't even know what "It" was.
Once you realize you have been Hurt in some way, feeling hurt is a pretty natural and proper response to it. You have been hurt, and so you feel that. You feel betrayed if you have been, and you feel abandoned, fooled or blindsided if that happened. There is a real tendency to retreat slightly as this point, often to recover, or to get your head together as the numbness of shock is replaced by actually feeling what happened. There is a tendency to want to warn others that they too could be hurt like this. There is a tendency to talk with others who have been hurt too. The parade of faces shouting "Get Over It!" are expressing their own frustration alright, but they aren't doing much good at this point. You are still processing what "It" was, and how exactly "It" happened, and most of all, what "It" will mean to your life now.
Once it becomes possible to live a life which deals healthily with the fact that Something Bad happened once, but which life, you decide, will from now on no longer be Only About That, resolve sets in. You have a life, with connections and activities which are in no way related to What Happened. If What Happened kinda "sticks with you" a bit, kinda haunts you without defining your life, you may also now have a fraction of your life which you devote to fund-raising, blogging, support group attendance (creating or running), interviews, memorials, charities, novel writing, documentary making, whatever. The parade of faces shouting "Get Over It!" are expressing their own frustration alright, but they aren't doing much good at this point. You have both "Gotten Over It" and "Moved On" as much as you are going to, and this is The Scar. When we are hurt, people have to learn to get used to scars. Scars aren't weak. They are a tiny part of ourselves where we were once hurt, and are now tougher there than other people, so it looks weird to them. Not every scenario in life is about being tough, but in that one area in which we Were Hurt, tough is what we've got.
11 comments:
What hit you in the face?
What was is over, what is tests you, and what will be needs some thought...
Dear, when Jesus Heals it is instantly. In that comes freedom, fully...leaving no spot, stain or haunting. We just need to believe it and put it into practice. God bless you... Romans 15:13
a fist
a baseball
a soccer ball
a boxing glove (repeatedly, but then I was trying to hit him at the time too)
a beer bottle
a) next time you have cancer, we'll talk
b) are you completely free of physical (and emotional) scars yourself?
Could you imagine the trauma sportsmen would have if it were an actual baseball or soccer ball that causes the lasting cuts you were referring to? Who has cancer and who would assume someone will have cancer again?
I think the actual amount of people refusing/being unable to understand one another has reached a point in which trying to chase down every mistaken assumption, misread phrase and hamfisted sally would be pointless at this...point.
If there was a name given, I'd be tempted to try to work toward some understanding. As it is, I don't even know if it is one, two, three or four Anonymous people I'm talking to.
people don't want to think IT could happen to them. one nice fantasy is that it's YOUR fault, you brought it on your self for some mysterious reason. (that way they don't have to deal with the fact that it could happen to them.)
people also are uncomfortable with people feeling pain. instead of allowing you to feel the pain and acknowledge your having been wounded, they'll say "you can't talk about that", "just get over it", "there's nothing we can do, so just deal with it" (an abdication of responsibility, of doing one's part to protect ourselves or those in our lives).
their response IS mostly about their unwillingness to deal. unfortunately, in the process they lash out at the one who is already wounded and hurting. (or scarred and vigilant).
That certainly rings true.
I found this and thought you might be interested. Have a wonderful holiday!
There are two sides to a hurting person. One, their defenses are lowered to allow more than usual comfort in (though sometimes this allows more pain in). The lowered walls are in hopes to let someone close enough to comfort them where the pain is located, deep. The other side is building the wall stronger. So strong that no-one can get close enough to either comfort or hurt them (sometimes these walls cycle). It could be called removing/overcoming layers to attempt getting closer and closer to that person. The deeper someone has been hurt, the more walls are made, and as each one is let down slowly, a person would have to be truly and obsessively attuned to the moods so that the subconcious protection is tricked into lowering further. Any misstep could cause all walls to be quickly reinstated. Another protection measure is the analyzing of other people from a quiet, distant place. Learning them without their knowing it and always being alert to the things that could harm. Always looking for the bad in people and totally missing out on all the good in wary apprehension of letting them close. This behavior grows after a long period of time. In that period, people are confused about the "growing" anti-social behavior. When to the person "growing" into this lifestyle is merely trying to protect themselves from society, sometimes at large.
In protecting your protection, one learns a "social" face. So that no-one is aware of your protected, bleeding area. Preventing more unhelpful advice, questionning, and general conversation about the problem. Hiding it away to be untreated helps nothing though. No-one will come even remotely close to helping until you ALLOW them to. No-one will understand until you explain. Deep wounds will not be grasped quickly for someone who is trying to put themselves in your spot to understand. They will need time to meditate. Most people will generally put you through an "analytical" period of their own to decipher where the problem lies. People tend to tamper with their problems to make themselves appear in the most beneficial light. Nothing wrong with that exactly, no-one is proud of their mistakes. However, if the problem is with the person, that requires totally different advice compared to dealing with someone else's problem. In summary, if you ever want the full joy of life, you have to learn how to control your sensitivity and take the good with the bad from your relationships. Allow people to be wholely wrong about you, but learn better because you show them how. Or if they're right and there are some changes you could make that could help, ALLOW them to help you. No-one takes the trouble to get real deep on that level unless they care (unless you're super-hot, rich or powerful). Super-hurt people need stalkers to help them. With social faces, altered information, never-ending layers, it will take a very keen, interested unnoticed eye to distinguish the truth and reach.
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