Redeem This!

We know that the path to Christian growth isn't making a fake, virtuous persona, creating and weekly (weakly) playing the part of a church-acceptable self, pretending it's the real us.  We know this, right?

   Because that's fake.  That's the opposite of letting Christ actually redeem actual us.  That's pretending we didn't need redeeming, or trying to redeem ourselves, by creating a false persona-self.  We know this, I think.

   But the path to Christian growth isn't this either, despite my being raised that it really kinda was:
Making dire references to our "real self" which we keep locked away, deep in the basement, unfit to see the light of day.  Going around "being" a church-acceptable self instead, and letting everyone know that we're "being" this acceptable self because we have to.  In order to "spare" absolutely everyone, including God Himself.  Like this is what normal Christianity looks like.  Like we're playing this part rather than ever, ever letting that real us out to wreak its havoc.  Letting people know that they've never met, have never had a clear look at the real us, as it's too horrible and worse yet, embarrassing.
   This is pretending Christ can't redeem us.  Not really.  Not us.  It's kind of "helping him out" by creating that church-acceptable persona so it's not obvious that he didn't redeem us.  Not the real us.  Because of how horrible we are and everything.  This kind of thinking sounds and feels very normal to me, because of my upbringing, but I think I've grown to the point where I see through it, most days.

   Evil and sickness only work in darkness and secrets.  Pinned under the light of day/TV news cameras like Rob Ford, there's very little that evil and sickness can continue to do.  They can't continue to do their dark work, unimpeded by this exposure to the light.  It ends them.  Truth sets us free, and light burns away the darkness and secrets that evil and sickness need so badly.

What Is Redemption?

I believe that redemption is us bringing our selves (not our imagined selves, but our true, unvarnished selves) out from the basement cell(ves) we've been taught to lock them in, and making them approach Christ, instead of hiding in the garden, ass hanging out of our pathetic figleaf apron.  Approaching Christ the sin-bearer, scapegoat, saviour and redeemer.  And it's saying to him, "Redeem this!"
  Christ.  Not bringing them to our peers in an intervention, so much, and not to our church, or even to a counsellor.  Bringing our true, unacceptable selves to Christ so he can show us what acceptance actually is/feels like.  (If we genuinely believe in him and his ability to redeem real people of real Smeagolness, that is.)

    The fake self doesn't need to be redeemed, nor can it be.  It's not, after all, us, nor even anything real.  It cannot go to heaven or to hell.  It can't befriend anyone.  It can't marry anyone.  Because it can't have genuine or lasting relationships on earth.  Because it's more imaginary than Gandalf by far, and far less convincing when it speaks.
     Redeemed Christianity ("being saved") isn't about being Boromir the mighty hero who can save everyone, while really, underneath it all,  he has daddy issues and is going to be the very first to fall into temptation and imperil everyone, shattering the unity that was set up.
   And it's not being Boromir's daddy Denethor either.  It's not "just looking after things" while supposedly awaiting the return of the true King to come in love, giving, healing and fixing (the Rapture), but then actually being stingy, unhelpful, cracked, abusive and tyrannical when encountering actual people actually on the King's business.  Being unlike the King and ultimately wounding, neglecting and generally messing over our own children, willing to sacrifice them to the fire in an odd sort of nihilism which affirms one's own world image (the scriptures sayeth we are all screwed, so do not torment me with hope). 
   And it's not being Theoden, sitting day in and day out on the throne of our "Christian" life.  It's not being confident that we have a trusted human(?) counsellor at our right hand, hourly pouring sage counsel into our ear as we grow older and older, cobwebby and crusty before our time, less able to help anyone, ostracizing our own children and those who would help them, while letting dubious people near them. It's not having our mind hijacked and gradually made ever more dusty, musty, rotten and narrow with each passing year.  It's not about banishing and shutting out the voices of warning that ride in from afar, who've seen dark things going on, on the borders of the community.
  And it isn't either about being Smeagol, having selfishly murdered for the Ring (think "church status and acceptability") long ago, and then spending a "life" lurking in the dark, hiding under mountains, wandering the earth forlorn and alone, grovelling, hiding from the light and frantically denying everything, claiming "Gollum" did it all.  It isn't daily living tormented by all of this, trying to be nothing but nice and helpful and kind, but actually living divided into two warring parts which bite and devour each other all night long, arguing at us in the mirror when we need to sleep.  None of this will keep the dark servants of the Enemy away.  Dividedness isn't of Christ.  It is "the flesh," trying to help.

So, Seriously... What is Redemption?
Redeemed Christianity ("being saved") is going nakedly to Christ every time one feels a little like one of those Tolkien characters, and saying "Redeem this!"  And then waiting for it to happen.  And not faking the process, rushing it, nor creating a persona.  I don't believe we can "do a bit of both."  True Christianity is not a motion capture illusion created by Weta Digital.  In fact, Christianity is not a special effect at all.  If the lifestyle presented to us as "Christian" is no more real than The Lord of the Rings, and is so much less entertaining, it's not worth buying at Wal-Mart from the bargain bin, let alone spending decades "living."
   Redemption may take some time.  And those looking on, who preach a Gospel of The Sims, living through evangelical avatars, inside The Matrix, endlessly "faking it" in empty hopes of one day "making it," believing in nothing deeper or more authentic than fitting into a "Christian community," may never understand.  They may call the work of the Holy Spirit the work of Satan, or point to growth and describe it as succumbing to the evils of This World.  They may call not being a false self "not judging your own self."  They may never relate to the life struggles that to us and God, and a host of seraphim looking on enraptured, are clearly epic journeys, heroic battles to claim the purity and strength of the unified self-hood God is working to hand us.
   Lots of people who call themselves Christians aren't going to accept the real, heart-deep quest, so long as they maintain the acceptably bland, candy shell comfortably coating them when we no longer can maintain that, because we've got other fish to fry than candy shells.  They will judge us based on how acceptable our cracking, crumbling shell seems, compared to their immaculate facade, which nothing gets past, neither in nor out.  A shell that protects from actual acceptance and love.  Appearance, image, deportment, deeds and other outer things, rather than the inward things of the heart.  Claims and positions (talk) rather than health and ability.  Abstaining from things rather than doing much of anything.  Justifying having hearts two sizes too small, so long as the shirts that cover them are modest and carefully ironed. 
   Oh well.  They're all just a pack of cards, really, deep down (as far as they go) so long as they're "living" like that.  No sense losing one's head over them.
   I'm not just trying to "seem Christian" this week, do "Christian things," or be "a good testimony."  Though that is all I was raised to do.  Not swearing and calling that "speaking the truth out of a pure heart."  Being superficially nice and calling that "understanding love."  Closing one's eyes, mind and heart, and calling that "walking in the light."
   But God is not satisfied with that, it turns out.  I'm doing what I can to live an authentic life while God Himself makes me, progressively, more Christian.  Giving healing and growth, insight, wisdom and strength.  As much as I'll let Him.  Inner transformation.  Though often it means I'm alone, and often He tears down some of the props I lean on the very most.  Though it alienates me from people who have games of cards to play and houses of cards to build upon the shifting sands of personal reputation and public opinion.  Though it makes me not fit.  Even so, I'm in.  For the real stuff.  Waiting.

     And that's all I have to say about that.