A Heart-breaking Letter To A Grandpa

A letter to someone's Tunbridge Wells PB (my own group) grandfather was shared with me today.  After having read so much of this kind of thing, what jumps out at me as all-too-familiar are things like:

-the inevitable pressure to "come back," should one take a break from one's parents' church, or try out a different group.  No respecting of one's decisions here!

-continually being asked to justify and explain one's self, forever after,

-the viewing of people who've "left" as traitorous, foolish, spiritually inferior, rebellious, confused or self-indulgent.

-the refusal to deal with local problems, while insisting that "no one's perfect," as if that excuses the group from dealing with simple reality.  I see no apparent faith in the group as to its own ability to work with God and sort through stuff that surely needs to be sorted through, stat,

-no apparent fear for victims, past or future,

-no apparent fear of God dealing with unrepentant evil (unless it's of the "leaving" kind).  The group sins, and we're not to talk about it.  One person goes to another church, and it's a constant topic of conversation,
-fear of looking bad,

-the assumption that there can be no true relationship with God, and certainly no blessing in store for people who go to Another Church:

Dear Grandpa,

Hey, I want you to know how much I love and care about you, Gramps! You are an amusing character, and your care and love, for your grandkids and great grandkids, is undisputed!

You have asked over the years, and I think it’s important for me to share with you, why I don’t go to meeting, and perhaps some of why (son's name) doesn’t either.

Firstly, more than anything else, I am so thankful, and grateful, to have been raised by my parents. We were protected, and taught about the Lord daily. There was a sense of security and regimentation. I never questioned my parents love and devotion. They truly wanted the best for us. And I know they did better than anyone ever could with the tools they had. I respect and admire them, and love them so very much!!!!

History:

When you are a kid, you pretty much believe what you are taught. Every once in a while a bolt of lightning would strike with an idea, or thought, that differs from your education, something you grapple with, trying to make sense of. You didn’t like that feeling in the pit of your stomach that said you disagreed. It felt like you were sinning with the mere idea you may have a different opinion.

Growing up, I thought the meeting dated back to the days of the New Testament. It just seemed implied by its specialness. When I questioned the lineage of the meeting, and read about the history of The Brethren, it felt like I had been misled. How could “the truth of the One Body” only be in this little branch that had split into so many off-shoots. Not only had the meeting not even been around in bible times, it was a relatively recent organization! How can we be so sure we are the only ones doing it the right way? And if there are others doing it the right way, God will somehow bring them together? Why aren’t there so many more “correct” meetings? Answer: Because we WERE special. We were chosen. And we need to be so thankful, and live up to the worthiness. Somehow, it gave us the right to look down on all other Christians. Especially, people like those crazy Pentecostals. (I’m not disputing that some of their manic beliefs are really off the wall, just as much they must think some of our non-manic views are off the wall) We were allowed to scoff at them. And we could sneer at the bible thumping Baptists on the corner down the road. We were allowed to do that. But we are still not better, or more worthy, or somehow more in God’s favor. It seemed wrong to me, even as a little kid.

In our righteous dignity, especially those of us in the inner circle, we would even look down on the others IN the meeting, those who had a tv, who were mentally ill, who didn’t quite ‘understand’ the ground of gathering or dispensational truths, who used the NIV and were clearly lacking in spiritual intelligence.

I doubt it was the meeting’s outright agenda, but as it was, our perceived persona was more important than really being a genuine Christian, and what was truly on the inside. I look at (son's name) and admire him so much. I admire him for being an authentic Christian. He doesn’t try to pretend he is something he is not. He makes mistakes, and he freely admits it. And he relies on God’s Grace. He has been shepherded and guided by gracious men through his life.

I wish I could’ve been like (son's name)!!! I made mistakes, I didn’t care that I made the mistakes, I cared about not being looked at with disdain, and shaming my family’s good name. It was far more important to look good, than to actually be good. That may be a huge problem for most kids in the meeting. It overrides their responsibility to God when they have to be responsible to an organization that can discipline them (when they are caught) and decide when they are good and ready to be let back in, if ever. The Brothers are simply men, some of whom have just as many sins they have never repented for, in the same way they demand of others.

When I was 19, I sat through a meeting that nearly went until midnight (it should have been just a brother’s meeting) where one side of a meeting was disciplined for bringing to light, and asking for an apology, on behalf of a laboring brother who had sexually abused his little sister way up into her teens. Yes, it happened years before, and yes, it would have tainted the reputation of the laboring brother to have it acknowledged. Firstly, the allegation had been flatly denied. Secondly, instead of seeking to help repair their relationship, the people who supported the sister was silenced and shunned as heretics. They all would have readily forgiven him. The sister, especially!

Think about this. How can a woman who has been forced upon by her brother have any respect for him, especially now that he is a laboring brother?  How can she sit though a meeting where he (or any other affiliated Brother) is teaching about God’s Grace? It’s SO shameful, yes, but God forgives!!!! God heals!!!! Do women matter in the fellowship? Are they allowed to be abused and just discarded?

We all sin. We all make serious mistakes. Why is it so hard to confess crap we’ve done? Why is it so important to ‘look’ righteous? Why can’t we truly believe in the Grace that God gives us if we simply ask for it.

My head spins when I try to overlay my reality, (the way I see Grace, God’s Love and discipline) with the traditions of the meeting. (Man’s discipline, self righteous piety) There is such a chasm between the two.

Leaving the meeting behind was the most heart-wrenching thing I’ve ever been through. I love everyone there!!! And I still consider them family. Things have certainly changed over the last 40 years, but I still can’t be a part of the damaging aspects that have caused so many families such unnecessary pain.

I want to be gracious and non-judgmental, Grandpa. I want to love, and forgive, and encourage others. I don’t want to put people on guilt trips, or feel superior to others. I don’t want to beat my kids into submission. It didn’t work for most of us.

I am sorry that you can’t have all of your kids, grand kids, and great grand kids gathered in the same assembly. That makes me sad too. However, we all are Christians, and I know that makes you happy. We will all spend eternity with our Loving Father…together. (I’m looking forward to seeing dearest Grandma with her long hair and smiling brown eyes)

Thank you for being a man of God, Grandpa.

Love, 

from your Grandaughter

Raven-Taylor-Hales Exclusives Survey - Part 2

The first question in this section asked:

In what ways (if any) did your Brethren upbringing make it hard for you to connect with nonBrethren people? 

People said a lot of things which seemed to add up to an interesting double-whammy of acting or seeming outwardly closed-mindedly superior, but feeling shame-filled, awkward and inferior inside:

• low self esteem very judgemental 
• Their statements that there is nothing good out there and that we are the chosen ones which caused me to be too judgemental  
• I still have difficulty (47 years later) as a woman, speaking up in a group gathering. I tend to panic in large gatherings
• Lack of trust; my own lack of self-confidence in things such as etiquette; my inherent judgmentalism; my complete inexperience of being self-sufficient; my complete lack of experience in 'real' unconditional friendship & love.  
• extremely difficult for years,
• sense of being superior judgmental attitudes about others  
• Every way. I was taught not to connect with them. There was fear of connecting with the outsiders.
• I have a hard time meeting people, people think I'm snobbish but I'm just quiet until I get to know you
• brainwashed phobias  
• I often judged people before I really got to know them
• A complete lack of empathy for other cultures and belief systems. It was impossible (initially) to initiate and maintain any form of conversation or interaction on a deeper level than basic niceties.  
• We were taught we were superior to anyone else 
• the singleminded belief that we were so much holier 
• I was (and still tend to be) overly critical of others that didn't "fit the mold" of typical brethren lifestyle. Unfortunately, this trait shuts you off from seeing all the beauty of others, identifying with their pain, knowing their humanity.  
• none 
• in the beginning, difficult to fit in with friends and feeling free to do so! Also, not knowing a lot of different types of music or songs  
• Very hard as your entire social circle is within the Brethren group. I was always at a disadvantage even when encountering other Christians, as I thought we had “the light”. Didn’t know much about sport or tv or pop culture so found relating to people at school hard and had no knowledge of other Churches (apart from what we were taught, that they were all in error), so found relating to other Christians difficult. Found it difficult to trust people as in the Brethren you were always looking over your should in case someone might find fault with what you were doing. Found work environment difficult as was not supposed to “join in” so did not make lasting friendships 
• Brethren socially inept.  
• Overcoming the constant guilt disposition has released me to connect better with nonExB The ExB culture was about saving your own skin to the point of false accusations about others 
• superiority complex  
• No contact with the outside , No telly or eating or mixing with anyone not in the brethren 
• * Socialising forbidden with non-members. * Punishment for breaking above rule. * Employment within Brethren businesses. * All-Brethren schools. * Contact forbidden with non-Brethren family.  
• the feeling of superiority and "exclusiveness" that stopped me appreciating people for what they are for a while. Peebs look on the outside and judge people by their looks 
•  lack of social skills 
• Difficult with non Christians but to think there were so many Godly people out there that we didn't know about  
• others didnt understand me very well and I tended to mix with other ex PB's or family of them 
•  limited knowledge of popular culture i.e TV & Films, Music etc. Also not being allowed to mix with others when growing up limited my social skills to begin with 
• Didn't know their songs  
• Did not know many and was not used to dealing with 'worldly' people 
•  Made me keep to myself 
• Distance
• It was a little awkward at times but most people are understanding and were happy to explain what I might not understand 
• Lack of an established network of friends and family 
• almost completely cut off, especially once home-schooled 
• People don't understand why you would stay in such an oppressive environment 
• We weren't allowed to mix, so there was always someone spying, ready to dob lol  
• We were not allowed to connect with non brethren but when we left we managed fairly well thanks to endless kindness and understanding of colleagues and neighbours 
• separation belief residual  

 

People responding about bible familiarity as text comments said things like:

• Yes, it did but I think my bible college experience AND becoming a pastor's wife added to it.  
• I learnt some parts of the Bible but most of the so called “teaching” was all about following the rules of men so didn’t learn what might have been beneficial. When we decided to leave I spent 6 months doing in depth research into the teachings, doctrines and actions of the Exclusive Brethren  and then comparing it all to what the Bible taught. I learnt more about Gods Word in those 6 months and the 6 months after we left, than I had learnt in the 30 odd years in the Brethren ! My wife and I sometimes say it's only by the grace of God we became Christians while in the Brethren as real actual bible teaching was very thin. We are constantly embarrassed at how little we know when comparing the teaching in our new evangelical church to what we received in the Brethren, especially so when we discuss the Bible with other Christians who seem to know far more than we. This itself has been a shock to us as we spent decades being told that other Christians and other Churches don’t have the “light”, how wrong the Brethren are ! 
• Maybe in some ways as i have a depth of revelational understanding that i cannot attribute to my own Bible reading or prayer times and i still have a solid memory of some Bible contexts through the hymns, including several from Alexander's Hymn books,  
• got more in the Baptists at Sunday School etc

 

Text box comments yielded the following:

• I didn't "leave" of my free will - I was shunned and rejected because I was a daughter to a man who always had bristled against Jim Taylor's teachings.  
• I left a year after becoming a Christian

 

Then I asked

Do You Have A Favourite Bible Verse?:

• Luke 9:23
• many
• John 3:16 - the whole world; not just a select few. It's wider and deeper than ever portrayed in an EB mindset.
• Joshua 1:9
• lots - John 3 v 16 - Gal 5.1 - The whole of Ephesians 4 - and many others
• Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved
• Many, not just 1 :) Psalm 139 is really special right now, Ps 37 has been, always love the Lord telling Job - "where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth, tell me if you know so much ..." and the responses of Jesus as recorded in the Gospels always empower, encourage &/or inspire me.
• Jesus wept
• Yes
• The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Etc. etc. (Psalm 23)
• Micah 6:8 - He has shown you O man, what is good, and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
• Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
• no
• n0
• God has plans for you Jer. 29 v11
• from the Book of Job: "Yet man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upwards" (Ch. 5:7)
• no
• yes
• Jeremiah 29 v 11
• judge not lest ye shall be judged
• NO
• Sure - Joel 2 v 32
• Absolutely not. Do not know any
• What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
• Romans 8:28
• In the beginning God created the heavens & the earth
• John 3:16&17
• no
• i still like the verses on the Proverbs 31 woman
• Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" saith the Lord - "plans for GOOD and NOT EVIL"!!!!!
• Psalm 43
• Yes. When I call answer me oh God of my righteousness, in pressure they has enlarged me, be gracious unto me and here my call
• Jesus wept. It helps me knowing that he too felt sad about lost loved ones.
• The Lord is My Shepherd I shall not want ....and I have not wanted for 37 years However I will never become part of any organised religion again.
• judge not beware least you entertain an angel unaware
• John 3, 16.
• Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other. Psalm 85:10
• love thy neighbour as thyself
• No 

90s Video

This one's a fun one.  No whining.  It's a video about how I first moved out from my folks' house, what my place was like, how I went out playing live music in bars, and how I met Brethren people who seemed to be getting their heads and hearts free of the toxic stew, like so many (in and out) have done since.  It was a fun time.

   It includes musings on what kinds of musicians answered music ads, back in the day, and what kinds of voices were 90s voices.  It has me mocking Crash Test Dummies front-man Brad Roberts' singing style unmercifully, as I get sick of being compared to him.  It has archival video footage of various things, including me singing in a bar in the mid-90s.

Results from Taylor-Hales Exclusive Brethren Leaving Survey

I found it fascinating to "hear from" my own people last Christmas via survey as to why they left Brethren culture (either in their attitudes, or by attending elsewhere), and so when I started encountering people online from that scarier Brethren culture, that group which is led by a single, worldwide, "infallible" Man of God, the Raven-Taylor-Hales Exclusive Brethren, currently calling themselves the Plymouth Brethren Christian Church, I decided to poll them as well.

   I ponied up the money to make SurveyMonkey do a survey with more than ten questions, and I tried to ask questions that would paint a picture of what it's like for them.

    Now, I think it's important exactly when people left that movement, as it has gone through dramatic changes over the decades.  For example, people who (like most who answered my survey) left that movement several regime changes ago, and before cell phones and the Internet complicated the insulation/isolation/separation matter, would certainly have a different experience than people are having nowadays.
   Also, there was a scandal in 1970 in Aberdeen, Scotland, involving the group's global Man of God (like a pope, rather) being allegedly found in bed, drunk, unclothed with someone else's nearly naked wife, at a bible conference.  Unsurprisingly, most of those who answered my survey seem to have left because of, or in the aftermath of this incident. One respondent was part of the Renton Brethren, which appear to be a split-off from the Taylor-Hales, as a result of Aberdeen, which sounds as strict and controlling as the original movement.  On Facebook discussions, there was some resistance to the inclusion of "a Renton" in discussions of what it had been like to have been Exclusive Brethren.

   I had 44 respondents in a week, one of whom didn't actually fill out any of the survey, and one of whom was really doing it simply to object to there being a survey of this kind at all.

Leaving

Of the respondents who told me how long they'd been gone, only four had left more recently than seven years ago.  The vast majority of these people left in the 60s or 70s, when things were considerably less strict than they soon got afterward, several specifically citing the Aberdeen incident.

   As to how old respondents were when they left/were kicked out, the list was almost equally split between people who left in their teens and early twenties, and people who left in middle age.  19 respondents said they left/were kicked out by twenty years of age.

   As to whether they left due to negative things inside the culture, vs. positive things outside the culture which they felt they needed to leave in order to explore, the numbers broke down like this (you can click this graph to make it a bit bigger):

 

Respondents who filled in the text box in this area said things like:

• Because Jim Taylor hated our family and how many times we rubbed against his edicts. He called the local 'leaders' and specifically mentioned that my dad needed to get put out. 
• i did stupid stuff which meant i had to leave  
• didnt want to be living a lie. 
• my parents & family were shut-up then withdrawn from (ex-communicated from fellowship) there were attempts by the ExB to kidnap my younger sister and I and return us 'to the fold' but GOD had a better plan :)  
• kicked out onto the streets when I had reached 18 years old 
• It was about the time of Aberdeen and I got fed up with them trying to muck rake things in peoples lives, especially mine. 
• 1970 issue with Jim Taylor 
• wanted to be honestly myself instead of the pretense I was inside 
• Parents were kicked out so we were lucky 
• Forced out (excommunicated)  
• Withdrawn from against my will. 
• I was "withdrawn from", i.e. kicked out  
• Clear sense that things happening were unChristian and against all the teachings of our Lord Jesus. 
• just wanted to see what the outside was like. 

The Outside

For Raven-Taylor-Hales Brethren, leaving (either in one's attitude, or physically, which is pretty much the same thing for them) means the whole world, with clubs, Mcdonalds, Christmas, live music and televisions, movies and team sports, suddenly opens up.  One can choose one's own hairstyle and fashion.  Many respondents are clearly female, as they mention being able to wear trousers or have trimmed or styled hair for the first time.  I asked:

What are some of the things that you chose to add to your new life first?  

Respondents answered things like:

• socializing with non-EB people, movies 
• Learning as much as I can about the world around me, to better understand 'critical thinking' into my process of decision making, making friends that didn't fit the typical "acceptable" criteria of EBs, enjoying the arts (entertainment, music, literature) with freedom and gusto. 
• cut hair, see a movie, have freedom, have more freedom..... choose WHO I wanted to be in a relationship with....! 
• In no particular order 1. Joined a proper Bible based evangelical Christian Church much to our relief 2. Bought a TV 3. Started buying proper Christian teaching books 4. Started learning about actual real Church history 5. Started the process of deprogramming from all the harmful toxic teaching 6. Joined in fellowship, worship and communion with other Christians, a truly amazing feeling of breaking the chains of bondage 7. Quickly realized how much we had been lied to and deceived by the false teaching in the Renton Exclusive Brethren 8. Got re baptised at our request in a bona fide believers baptism (as we now recognise our infant baptism, disguised by Brethren as “household baptism”, with no profession of faith as my wife and I were obviously babies at the time) was unscriptural and we wanted to make a fresh commitment as believers in Christ 
• Holidays (Christmas, Easter etc.) Staying in semi-detached house. Eating with friends and neighbours
• camping on the beach, make up, jewellery, wearing pants 
• new found freedom, eg: TV was very exciting & I really liked to wear jeans & shorts - discovering people outside of the ExB loved Jesus too and were not all hell-bound evil freaks - I accepted the Lord Jesus as my Saviour 2 years after leaving ExB (age 11) and started reading a Bible for the first time in my life . . . !!!!!!! - staying at school and eating with the other kids at lunch time - growing hair back where scarves and clips were making bald patches on my head - music - for some reason, even as a young teen, I really loved Queen & Freddy Mercury, David Bowie, Abba and many of the New Romantics one hit wonders of the 1980's :) 
• stereo, yoga (which meant buying pants) taking family to first movie and restaurant, necklace, holiday to non-EB places, public library 
• Got into bad company, sent to Borstal (youth detention facility), not what I really chose but more of a consequence , But have moved on and now have a lovely wife and two marvellous sons and a granddaughter . 
• * Socialising/new friends * Travelling * Further education * Media (TV, radio, etc.)  
• going to concerts, parties, movies, making new friends, beach, church 
• wearing trousers, new friends, marriage 
• socialising, eating and drinking without separation, sleeping in 
• tv!  
• Realising there were other Christians outside 
• smoking, tv/radio, relationship 
• tv, radio, movies, sport, wearing slacks 
• eating with other people, having other people as friends, watching TV, seeing films 
• Nightlife, Music, Sport 
• Sports (cross-country skiing), Movies, Socializing at the local bar (yeah!) 
• Skiing, Running, Travelling abroad, Horse riding, Hang gliding, Gliding, Ice skating, Cycle touring, Kayaking 
• - bars - girlfriend - computers-internet - cell phone - travel vacation 
• Going to football matches, Partying 
• Travel. Boyfriend! Eating out  
• Television, record player, radio 
• Holidays  
• 1. Christian Church 2. Family & Friends that had left or been excommunicated years prior 3. Travel 
• Travel, New friends, Education, Sport, Enlightenment 
• university 
• Finding a DECENT church & then joining choir. Kids involved in youth group & sports and activities at school. Joining a Bible study.  
• movies, tv, computers
• TV. Radio. Jeans & shorts (I'm female). Eating at a restaurant. Joining a club (musical comedy theatre).  
• Friends we choose ourselves, Television & music, Working where and for who we chose, Travelling, Wearing clothes of our choice, Cutting my hair, Wearing make up, Own a pet, Go to the beach, Own a boat, Stay in a hotel, Eat in a Restaurant. Should I go on ? 
• freedom  
• Bought a motorbike, Holidays, Break from church 
• Continued and finished college. Got married to a Catholic 
• forming friend connections via a church dance, singing in public forum 
• Music, Movies, Genuine friends 
• Hair style, reconnect with family members who were out 

Next I asked 

What things (if any) did you try, but then decide they weren’t really "for you"? 

I got answers like:

• smoking a cigarette. tried weed once many years after I had left 
• church  
• I was taken by older siblings and friends to a Pentecostal Charismatic Bikey Worship group which freaked me out so much, I couldn't stop crying for a long time after . . . I totally love freedom in the Holy Spirit now - I was given my first cigarette at age 12 - hate what smoking does to our physical bodies now! - attempted to have short hair, but like it long now and only wear scarves when painting or need hair up for labour intensive tasks :) - I got some body piercing but now regret it, darn holes !!!! - tried marijuana, but hate that stuff and have since case managed people with drug induced psychosis caused by smoking that toxic weed!! - I took a 'walk on the wild side' became a prodigal, running from God, attempting to live both in the world and of it, but never really was for me . . . or for any of us if we want to get really honest !! 
• drinking parties with other ex-EBs, smoking, pubs and clubs 
• Drugs 
• Other churches!  
• hard drinking lifestyle, drugs 
• Pentecostal church  
• drugs 
• marijuana 
• hard drugs  
• clubs, discos 
• Dancing lessons  
• dating
• Keeping in touch with other ex brethren! 
• Nightclubs  
• night clubs 
• Porniography  
• Parties, where kids thought it was great to get rolling drunk - never been my thing. 
• Motherhood. Oops, too late once you've started.  
• clubs
• singles groups. 

The final question in this section was

What ended up being the single best thing that the Brethren culture was keeping you from enjoying freely? 

I got answers like:

• friendship
• GRACE! God's unconditional love and acceptance, which trickles down into freedom to see the world with eyes wide open rather than squinted shut.  
• being able to have a career as a married woman and having the choice to do so! I love working, being able to work part-time 
• Joining in fellowship, worship and communion with other Christians, from other Bible following Christian Churches, a truly amazing feeling of breaking the chains of bondage and being a real part of the Body of Christ. Together with being free to follow the Bible and enjoy our Christian life as Christ taught, not as taught by "commandments of men" which is what the Exclusive Brethren follow  
• The use of psychedelics 
• Freedom of choice 
• feeling free!  
• True Freedom in Christ Jesus - the religious spirit is so evil and makes a complete mockery of the Cross -  at age 10, I felt like I had landed on a completely new planet or been released from a concentration camp, and for the last 40 years, I have been on a quest to find my true identity not that which I was branded with at birth into the ExB based on false accusations, manipulative control & I must include here that the ExB are not the only ones I have experienced this evil carnal oppression from - there are some churches using some of the same strategies and a government department I worked for did also - so essentially, it is those things of the carnal nature as mentioned in Galatians 5:19 . . . 
• my mind 
• Feeling wanted and loved  
• I'm gay, so I guess being held back from being true to myself. 
• Freedom to be myself  
• making new friends 
• deciding things for myself based on personal ethics  
• freedom to choose 
• Entertaining guests
• freedom
• my family  
• other people 
• Free thought, free speech, free choice = freedom  
• Meeting & socializing with other Christians 
• Orienteering  
• internet-computors 
• Going to football matches  
• Making my own decisions & choices of how I lived & what I wanted to do with my life. 
• Fellowship with other believers irrespective of the narrow brethren point of biew  
• Holidays (Christmas, Easter etc.)
• The ability to socialize and be friends with wonderful people 
•  being myself, and feeling that I was ok 
• True Christian NONJUDGMENTAL fellowship  
• Freedom
• Integrity. (But 'music of all types' is a close 2nd!)
• Having children and knowing that we would not have to separate from them   
• freedom
• Freedom
• Social life (there were 32 brethren in my city) 
• dance
• Having a career  
• Freedom of choice, freedom to worship my God the way I choose 
• there is nothing particularly beneficial that i couldn't do inside the brethren  

Because there is so much of this, I am going to leave the rest for a second blog.

I Want It Both Ways

I get criticized a lot for my approach to the past.  I still live in (relatively) the same area that I grew up.  I'm doing the same job for a living that my mom and dad did.  I still believe a whole lot of things from my parents' religion.  I haven't been able to get interested in "moving on" to a different one, either.

   In many ways, I view my past as stuff that can still be figured out, even today.  Like, learning from it is a lifelong thing, with payoffs in the present.  Like it's not actually too late to become better by sifting through past stuff.  Like it's a puzzle.  Like thinking back and having better ideas as to how to handle things is something I can take into my current week.  Because I feel like I'm the same person as the guy in the past, to quite a degree. Same lessons to learn.  Same weaknesses, and a depressingly recurrent set of challenges in life.  I honestly believe that if I figure out stuff I repeatedly did poorly in the past, that next time, when encountering similar things in the future, I can do better.

    I believe in repentance.  Repent means "rethink."  Your brain adjusts so that, were it to be in the same position again, it would think differently and choose better.  I like to "put my new mindset into" my past and see what would have been possible.  And when I do things like write books, or talk about the past, or make videos about it, it's like I'm doing magic.  Like the past isn't in every way, really over.  Like it is all connected to what's going on now.  There is something potent about physically going back, years later, to somewhere things went well or ill, and having the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, perspective and a host of similar experiences, some of which ended up going better.  Looking at it with new eyes/heart/brain.  It feels foundational.  Feels like I got better, deeper, stronger and wiser, in these intervening years.  Good for the confidence and the sense of purpose and direction. Good for hope.  And it feels like there's still stuff to be gleaned from back then, and taken into the rest of this year.

   The thing about childhood, and being raised in a specific culture (in my case, a religious one), is you don't understand much of it at the time.  So if you don't think about it now, with an adult brain, you never will understand it.  And it seems to me rather vital to learn whatever lessons are there to be learned.

   I've been noticing lately how some people on the Internet have a deep need to try to figure out What Happened To Them in their childhood, teens and twenties.  Some were raped.  Some made bad choices.  Some suffered horrible stuff that wasn't their fault.  Some became addicts.  Some left their birth culture and it was hard.  And all of these people want to get it all figured out.  And when they post stuff on the Internet, the other kind of people invariably try to shut it down.  Try to stop discussion on discussion panels.  Ungroup from groups. They say things like "Get a life!  Move on!  Stop wallowing in the past!  There's a whole future out there that has nothing to do with all of that crap that I refuse to think about."

   And they're not wrong. Problem is, they're not right either.

   With most human endeavours, there are two extremes.  One is dwelling on, or wallowing in the past.  You can be a middle-aged guy still regaling people with teenaged streetfights or football games you won.  Or you can be a middle-aged guy still talking about high school in a different way.  How much it sucked for you.  The alienation and loneliness.

   And you know what?  There's a place for that. Sometimes it's meeting up, years later, with someone you knew back in the day.  Sometimes it's because you've made self-expression/art of it.  Sometimes it happens on the Internet.

   But you can go too far and simply live in the past. Nothing new going on.  No new steps or challenges being taken.  And that's stagnation.

   The other extreme is try to live the rest of your life without ever having processed that stuff, really  Running from things you carry with you, as you run, in the back of your head.  Trying to outrun things that are inside your heart, right now.  Folly.

    But, not taken to quite that extreme, there's definitely a place for not wanting to hear about that stuff much anymore.  For needing a break. For needing to break new ground.

   And I want it both ways.  I want to order stuff from eBay that I used to have that I really liked.  I want to rebuy t-shirts I wore out years ago.  I want to download TV and movies I almost forgot about, and which gave me joy back in the day.  I want to make a video about how much 1991 sucked, and how someone hit me in the face with a beer bottle for no good reason one time, and have that story be a "dark patch" that the next part of the story has me climbing out of, into better things.

   But I also want to meet new people, go new places (like, Alaska) and see and do new things.  Or enjoy new old things.  Try new things.  New stories.  New faces.

   A guy on the Internet said something I liked, today, about going through your past and deciding what's baggage (weighing you down), and what's your luggage (that you don't leave home without.)  You're going to want to keep some stuff.  You're going to want to pick through other stuff and toss most of it.

   There's a thing I do with my physical stuff that I don't do with my emotional stuff: When I get a new place to live, I toss a whole bunch of my endless clutter into random, unsorted boxes, then close them, move, and don't open them for a long time.  I am almost afraid to look in them.  So I leave them for years, and then when I open them up, I find stuff I'd stupidly bought another of, because I "lost" it.  I find stuff I throw out immediately, because why do I need that?  I find stuff that brings back bad memories.  Other stuff that brings back good memories.  It's weird.   Seeing old stuff through new eyes.

   Anyway, that's all I've got on this subject.

Taylor-Hales Survey

I've been very interested in what people are saying on the Ex-Exclusive Brethren Facebook group lately.  I mean, it's always interesting to compare notes with people from a similar but far more extreme group.  Adds perspective. Makes one grateful.  Makes one want to learn.

   And I did survey monkey surveys for mostly my own brand of Brethren people last fall, so I thought I'd make a survey for Taylor-Hales folk. It's here.

    I was afraid no one would answer, but five people did the survey in the first twenty minutes.  One person on the Facebook group expressed concern about me doing a survey "for my own entertainment."  Thought it was too serious a thing to talk about.  But I like how it's going, and people are into it, so I'm going to let it keep bubbling for a week, and then blog some of the anonymous comments.  It's already interesting.
   For example:

Q: Someone has just left the Brethren and has contacted you to ask what s/he should do for his/her first year "out." S/he wants to acclimatize to life outside the movement, keep ties to the Exclusive Brethren severed, and get a workable life together. What advice would you offer?

A: keep your head down and don't make huge financial and emotional decisions for a year get to know yourself, so spend time alone without other peoples direct influence, to sort out the shit in your head, because its there, dont think its not and that youre the one person who is going to come out unscathed

Roots

Every day Facebook fills up with statuses like this: "I can't wait to get out of this town."  "If I have to spend another year in this town, I swear I'll die."  

    I bought a hamburger from a former student of mine today.  "Two more weeks.  Two more weeks," he told me.  Because then he's going to move from his town to a city.  And everything will be better.

    But slipping by, almost unnoticed are Facebook statuses which seem like bookends to those: "I don't know what I was doing, moving here.  Can't wait to get back home where I belong."  "So glad to be back in my hometown!"

    My friend, growing up, kept planning big.  To move to America.  To move Out West, as one does, in Canada.  And my sister had that bug too.  She moved to Japan for a couple of years.  Moved to the west coast once she got married.  She came right back, never having really been able to put roots down there like she can here.  My friend moved out west, reinvented himself rather extensively, and did not.

   I never understood that need to leave.  I grew up living in the farm country (with trees and rivers and lakes and stars and wildlife and things) right outside a town, which had almost everything you'd need, with a city less than an hour's drive away, for things like NHL teams, multiplexes, clubs, big box stores and concerts.  And that's what seems normal to me.  When I was at university, I lived right in a city.  Couldn't get anywhere where there was real nature.  Could go look down at a river from the back of Parliament Hill.  So I did that sometimes.  But I can't really think at all in a city. 

   When I was moving out from my parents' after University, I didn't want to move out and get a place in exactly the same town my parents lived outside of, where I'd grown up (that seemed a bit pointless), but I moved to another bit of countryside just outside a near, smaller village, but a bit closer to the city.  And when I moved next, I moved into the city, but on the edge of it.  And when I really needed to think, I walked out of the city, into farm country.  Almost stepped on a porcupine in the thick darkness one time, on a nature trail, trying to work out my thoughts and feelings about a girl who didn't care enough, as one does.  And when I was at my folks', I often made a point to take walks in the night.

    And then I moved into a small town I could walk out of, into farm country, with stars and moon and forest and cows and things.  And that worked, too.  It's quite close to the city, but you can't tell if you're here.

    I'm into roots. I teach kids, and having connections to the parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents of an assortment of them (even being distantly related to a few of them) makes me feel like I'm a local, who knows stuff, and who can handle things.  No one ever feels like he knows exactly how much stuff and exactly how many people I might end up knowing something about, or having a connection to.  It's magic.

    And the roots can go pretty far.  A number of cities in both Canada and the U.S. have places that I've been, or lived, or visited so many times, that they are "my" places.  I have favourite restaurants, clubs and convenience stores and movie theatres in Toronto, Montreal and towns in Pennsylvania and New York state.  And I like that.