A letter to someone's Tunbridge Wells PB (my own group) grandfather was shared with me today. After having read so much of this kind of thing, what jumps out at me as all-too-familiar are things like:
-the inevitable pressure to "come back," should one take a break from one's parents' church, or try out a different group. No respecting of one's decisions here!
-continually being asked to justify and explain one's self, forever after,
-the viewing of people who've "left" as traitorous, foolish, spiritually inferior, rebellious, confused or self-indulgent.
-the refusal to deal with local problems, while insisting that "no one's perfect," as if that excuses the group from dealing with simple reality. I see no apparent faith in the group as to its own ability to work with God and sort through stuff that surely needs to be sorted through, stat,
-no apparent fear for victims, past or future,
-no apparent fear of God dealing with unrepentant evil (unless it's of the "leaving" kind). The group sins, and we're not to talk about it. One person goes to another church, and it's a constant topic of conversation,
-fear of looking bad,
-fear of looking bad,
-the assumption that there can be no true relationship with God, and certainly no blessing in store for people who go to Another Church:
Dear Grandpa,
Hey, I want you to know how much I love and care about you,
Gramps! You are an amusing character, and your care and love, for your
grandkids and great grandkids, is undisputed!
You have asked over the years, and I think it’s important
for me to share with you, why I don’t go to meeting, and perhaps some of why (son's name) doesn’t either.
Firstly, more than anything else, I am so thankful, and
grateful, to have been raised by my parents. We were protected, and taught
about the Lord daily. There was a sense of security and regimentation. I never
questioned my parents love and devotion. They truly wanted the best for us. And
I know they did better than anyone ever could with the tools they had. I
respect and admire them, and love them so very much!!!!
History:
When you are a kid, you pretty much believe what you are
taught. Every once in a while a bolt of lightning would strike with an idea, or
thought, that differs from your education, something you grapple with, trying
to make sense of. You didn’t like that feeling in the pit of your stomach that said
you disagreed. It felt like you were sinning with the mere idea you may have a
different opinion.
Growing up, I thought the meeting dated back to the days of
the New Testament. It just seemed implied by its specialness. When I questioned
the lineage of the meeting, and read about the history of The Brethren, it felt
like I had been misled. How could “the truth of the One Body” only be in this
little branch that had split into so many off-shoots. Not only had the meeting
not even been around in bible times, it was a relatively recent organization!
How can we be so sure we are the only ones doing it the right way? And if there
are others doing it the right way, God will somehow bring them together? Why
aren’t there so many more “correct” meetings? Answer: Because we WERE special.
We were chosen. And we need to be so thankful, and live up to the worthiness.
Somehow, it gave us the right to look down on all other Christians. Especially,
people like those crazy Pentecostals. (I’m not disputing that some of their manic
beliefs are really off the wall, just as much they must think some of our
non-manic views are off the wall) We were allowed to scoff at them. And we
could sneer at the bible thumping Baptists on the corner down the road. We were
allowed to do that. But we are still not better, or more worthy, or somehow
more in God’s favor. It seemed wrong to me, even as a little kid.
In our righteous dignity, especially those of us in the
inner circle, we would even look down on the others IN the meeting, those who
had a tv, who were mentally ill, who didn’t quite ‘understand’ the ground of
gathering or dispensational truths, who used the NIV and were clearly lacking in spiritual intelligence.
I doubt it was the meeting’s outright agenda, but as it was,
our perceived persona was more important than really being a genuine Christian,
and what was truly on the inside. I look at (son's name) and admire him so much. I admire him
for being an authentic Christian. He doesn’t try to pretend he is something he
is not. He makes mistakes, and he freely admits it. And he relies on God’s
Grace. He has been shepherded and guided by gracious men through his life.
I wish I could’ve been like (son's name)!!! I made mistakes, I didn’t care
that I made the mistakes, I cared about not being looked at with disdain, and
shaming my family’s good name. It was far more important to look good, than to
actually be good. That may be a huge problem for most kids in the meeting. It
overrides their responsibility to God when they have to be responsible to an
organization that can discipline them (when they are caught) and decide when
they are good and ready to be let back in, if ever. The Brothers are simply
men, some of whom have just as many sins they have never repented for, in the
same way they demand of others.
When I was 19, I sat through a meeting that nearly
went
until midnight (it should have been just a brother’s meeting) where one
side of a meeting was disciplined for bringing to light, and asking for
an
apology, on behalf of a laboring brother who had sexually abused his
little
sister way up into her teens. Yes, it happened years before, and yes, it
would
have tainted the reputation of the laboring brother to have it
acknowledged. Firstly,
the allegation had been flatly denied. Secondly, instead of seeking to
help
repair their relationship, the people who supported the sister was
silenced and
shunned as heretics. They all would have readily forgiven him. The
sister, especially!
Think about this. How can a woman who has been forced upon
by her brother have any respect for him, especially now that he is a laboring
brother? How can she sit though a
meeting where he (or any other affiliated Brother) is teaching about God’s Grace?
It’s SO shameful, yes, but God forgives!!!! God heals!!!! Do women matter in
the fellowship? Are they allowed to be abused and just discarded?
We all sin. We all make serious mistakes. Why is it so hard
to confess crap we’ve done? Why is it so important to ‘look’ righteous? Why
can’t we truly believe in the Grace that God gives us if we simply ask for it.
My head spins when I try to overlay my reality, (the way I see
Grace, God’s Love and discipline) with the traditions of the meeting.
(Man’s discipline, self righteous piety) There is such a chasm between the two.
Leaving the meeting behind was the most heart-wrenching
thing I’ve ever been through. I love everyone there!!! And I still consider
them family. Things have certainly changed over the last 40 years, but I still
can’t be a part of the damaging aspects that have caused so many families such
unnecessary pain.
I want to be gracious and non-judgmental, Grandpa. I want to
love, and forgive, and encourage others. I don’t want to put people on guilt
trips, or feel superior to others. I don’t want to beat my kids into
submission. It didn’t work for most of us.
I am sorry that you can’t have all of your kids, grand kids,
and great grand kids gathered in the same assembly. That makes me sad too.
However, we all are Christians, and I know that makes you happy. We will all
spend eternity with our Loving Father…together. (I’m looking forward to seeing
dearest Grandma with her long hair and smiling brown eyes)
Thank you for being a man of God, Grandpa.
Love,
from your Grandaughter
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