Raven-Taylor-Hales Exclusives Survey - Part 3

In the "What Kind of Person Are You Now" section, I asked:

 

Text box respondents said things like:

•  i always felt i had to hide everything i did, so yes , privacy is still something i need 
• initially being highly secretive (discreet) from ExB culture, but now, becoming more and more transparent as my spiritual calling requires  
• quite the contrary I have always been very open possibly too much so 
• I hate secrets!!! but my privacy is so so important  
• Privacy somewhat; secrets probably LESS important than for many people. 

 

Text box respondent said:

• I am hyper vigilant when authority figures get too heavyhanded. I have a more developed sense of discernment.  

 

Text box respondent said:

• I may not speak out, but I will avoid that person, if possible.  

 

Text box respondents said things like:

• • No idea! 

  • No idea
    
  • It's a mix - I wear my heart on my face very much. But as an EB-raised female I am intrinsically good at disguising my heart-feelings, so I can adjust my face at will. But I try not to much, these days.
  • I really don't know 
   
   
  

Text box respondents said things like:

• very uncomfortable at dances, weddings, 
• used to love now my husband can't so we don't  

 

Text box respondents said things like:

• i like a glass of wine on wknds, still feel like i shouldnt broadcast it in front of my parents  
• I am an alcoholic in recovery - 12yrs (I don't drink because I can't) 

 

Text box respondent said:

• No. I tried it when I was a teenager, and found out then it was not for me.  

I asked this:

Is there a single spiritual leader in your life now? (A pastor, an author, a self-help guru or nutritionist?)

No less than eight people skipped this one.  Those who answered, said things like:

•  Yes - an excellent Teaching Pastor (last 3 years)
• Jesus.
• not just one, but our pastors at church
• No one single person no, apart from Gods Word in the Bible and Jesus Christ. My wife and I have surrounded ourselves with lots of good sincere Christians from different churches and we have elders and pastors from a wide variety of churches who have taken an interest in us as well. Our local new Church also has a multiple eldership team who we can talk to freely, when we left the Renton Brethren we used to talk to them for hours to share our experiences and discuss issues that happened. we also have many non christian friends that we didnt have before
• No
• Yes, Awesome Pastor
• definitely not
• No
• Definitely not.
• No
• No
• no
• no/maybe
• No
• No
• no
• no
• No
• no
• No
• no
• No
• Buddha
• Jesus
• No
• Nope
• No
• Not a single one, but there are several pastors and mentors I look to.
• No
• No. Multiple sources of enlightenment!
• No
• no
• No
• I attend the Episcopal Church and sing in the choir, but do not tend to follow any leader — tend to distrust them.
• no but I lead a spiritual (not religious) life
• Yes a pastor 
• was going to say mike moore, jokingly, but realize these surveys and blogs are causing me to think and re-examine so many feelings that I have tried to hide and forge

 

• • I did very much so for the first 7-8 yrs, but now I feel more normal than weird
  • I did but not so much now
  • Only to explain my lack of family members 
  
  And last I asked:

 Someone has just left the Taylor-Hales Brethren and has contact you to ask what s/he should do for his/her first year "out."  S/he wants to acclimatize to life outside the movement, keep ties to the Taylor Hales Exclusive Brethren severed, and get a workable life together.  What advice would you offer?

• 
  
  • ·         RELAX! Ideally link to an exEB network and learn from others who have made a transition. Important to be ready to branch away when meeting those who are ‘stuck’. Develop an open mind over as many issues as possible. Assess your on morality parameters - when leaving a tight cult there is a tendency to over-indulge as the entire Morality is a Group Morality and you need to rediscover in baby-steps the right path and self-discipline for your own choice making discipline.
  • ·         it’s a tough one, simple things like walking into a theatre or lcbo (Ontario Liquor Store) , still have me looking over my shoulder sometimes, so I guess working on the feelings of guilt are something that will take a lot longer than a yr. I would also say, don't explain yourself to everyone, we always feel that we are so different , everyone must notice, but really, many don't notice, and most find it kind of impossible to believe.
  • ·         I would suggest that they make absolutely no decisions that would be life-changing. That their first year should be in soaking up the outdoor world (hiking, biking, etc) and that they should start reading a bible that is easy to read (The Message as an example), and take college courses that expose them to world history and current events. I'd suggest that they join groups that are supportive to a five-step system (AA for example) and get into therapy with a counselor that they're able to be open and honest with.
  • ·         get back with the brethren asap
  • ·         try to get in contact with someone who was also in the exclusive brethren and has been gone for a while, I found it helps to keep you grounded and to also be able to move forth with your new life. I appreciated being in that situation to have someone from my past that could relate to what I was feeling.
  • Don't go mad. Make friends. 'Worldy people are more trustworthy than the Brethren
  •  travel, and or join gyms or social groups of their intrests
  • ·         Firstly, don't assess God by the way the ExB portrayed Him - but rather get to know who HE really is because being in relationship with Jesus will make the difference between being someone who is now out of the ExB and living life in complete freedom, peace, joy and love to someone who has left the ExB and carries the bitterness of pain and unforgiveness and never really experiences the freedom they so desire. Then take it easy, don't rush into the ''forbidden fruit" but become discerning because some of it really is festering and putrid, just like they warned in the ExB Keep a journal for the spiritual emotional journey in these early days - writing it down can be a completely confidential way to receive counselling and vent or offload the injustices & grief . . . then later can be useful in sharing with others, reflecting on personal growth or fire fuel !! Listen to and observe others, but take care in what you decide to do for yourself because 'we are not street-wise' and are highly gullible and vulnerable to being led astray . . . (new planet, remember !!) make friends . . . especially with those who can provide positive input, eg: people from healthy churches, sporting groups and other common interest groups - be aware of those who complain about life/situations - they are stuck in the mud and you don't need that to get a life . . .
  • ·         Be your own person, make friends
  • ·         Find a good friendly understanding church
  • ·         Be financially prepared. * Surround yourself with a strong network of new family and friends. * Talk to others who have been through the same experiences. * Resist attempts by the Brethren to bully/bribe you. * Be honest with yourself and with others about who you are and where you come from.
  • ·         Shift city, or preferably country - start afresh with no memories, no worry about bumping into someone. It's a lot easier to be yourself when you can say "oh my family is in ..." somewhere far away. Make friends with people based on the present, not the past.
  • ·         Do it. Don't look back. Make good new friends. Work hard, play hard and make a new life. Be strong and put it behind you.
  • ·         keep your head down and don't make huge financial and emotional decisions for a year get to know yourself, so spend time alone without other peoples direct influence, to sort out the shit in your head, because its there, dont think its not and youre the one person who is going to come out unscathed
  • ·         Keep in a Christian circle find a youth group, look up old friends if possible and doping go mad.,
  • ·         If it feels good, do it!
  • ·         get a social network together and follow your nose try as many things as possible and be open to new things
  • ·         not sure, it depends on the person
  • ·         It takes time. Be very patient with yourself. Consider counselling or PTSD treatment.
  • ·         Stay true to yourself, your thoughts, feelings and do not let anybody tell you what to do! I will be there any time of the day or night to help if it is within my ability!
  • ·         Keep away from drink, drugs and bad company and go for whatever activity appeals to you that keeps you physically fit and mentally sharp with all the energy you have
  • ·         go easy, don't think you have to try everything at once
  • ·         Would not know what advice to offer to be perfectly honest
  • ·         I would tell them the truth. How difficult it is & also how rewarding it is. I would tell to think carefully but follow their hearts.
  • ·         Find a good evangelical bible-believing church
  •          Depends on who it is and where they are from. I would offer to help in any way needed for support but basically tell them they won't have their every need met and handed to them on a silver platter. They will have to find a job based on their resume and/or skills and not the fact that they just belong to the same group as someone. They will have to make decisions that they've never had to make before. They will probably end up making some decisions that may not be the best decision but it will be their decision and therefore it is easier to own up to it and learn from it. And the decisions that they make that turn out to be great will be way more gratifying and rewarding. Other than that you're a free bird - go out and enjoy God's creation the way He meant it to be enjoyed.
  • ·         To travel, get an education, and move on, ie not to let the past dictate the present.
  • ·         I would suggest taking it very slowly, and watching a lot before diving in and making any big decisions. only do what you are comfortable with, and don't do things you don't feel ready to try just because your new friends say 'everyone' has to do it.
  • ·         My advice is to study on and get a grip on what your personal beliefs are. You have to decide what things you believe in and what you want to be involved in, not just knee jerk reaction to do everything. I didn't have much to do with ex-brethren at first because the ones I knew just wanted to sit around and criticize the brethren and gripe about how badly they had been treated. I wanted to move past that and become a "normal person" and not dwell on past hurts. I did want to become actively involved in a church and really learn God's word as those who have studied it well could teach. I feel like the teaching in the brethren was so stunted and meeting just consisted of hearing about what we shouldn't be doing, and yet the same people who were spouting that were horrible gossips and mistreated people. I was ready for real Christianity.
  • ·         I would run a mile. Too hardd
  •        Choose carefully who you stay close to. Save up a nest-egg if you possibly can. Don't hide your light under a bushel - you're a wonderful child of the universe as WELL as that "O wretched man that I am", so celebrate the first & be self-disciplined about the second. Question things - most people in the outside world are very understanding & helpful if you let them know a bit about why you don't know stuff. Find a few wise older mentors amongst the exEB community. Have FUN, but do it wisely - you have to pick up your own pieces now! Be bereavement aware: by leaving your family, friends, church, culture, you have sustained huge losses so at various times in your life over the next decades, the grief will hit... talk to other exEB if you can, when this happens.
  • ·         Leave the country or at least move away from the locality you belonged to ....make a fresh start if possible and don't look back ,they will be watching you and it wears you down in the end.Also try not to be bitter ,believe you have chosen your life's path and they have chosen theirs ,respect their choice and ask that they respect yours
  • ·         let your anger go, we could have been born into many much worse situations
  • ·         Depends on the individual, there is a lot of unlearning to go through so depends where their at.I encourage them in prayer and to find a good church to go to.
  • ·         Make friends you can trust. Try to get an education. I was fortunate, I had already started in college (it wasn't quite forbidden in the mid 60's in Baltimore) — though it was disapproved of. But getting an education will improve your job chances and help you to broaden your horizons.
  •         come and stay with me for a bit - or at least come to see me and chat
  • ·         Ideally don't leave until you have a job to go to that provides a good income and have somewhere stable to live. Build yourself a life free from reliance on other ex EB's and make it your mission to stand on your own feet in the world as this reminds you every day of the reasons why you broke free in the first place.
  • ·         Take it one day at a time, give yourself time to adjust before you try to do everything
  • ·         In no particular order and depending on the person the list could be longer:
  1. It takes time to unlearn the false teaching and be prepared to unlearn everything and relearn it
  2. Don’t abandon Christianity, you will find what you were taught to be Christianity in the Brethren, really isn’t
  3. Take things at your own pace, you don’t have to join a new church, you can just take time out to relax and repair your emotional and psychological health
  4. Do some hobbies, join a club, go on holiday, watch a sport, despite being told these things are wrong by the Brethren, they really aren’t
  5. If the EB keep trying to contact and hassle then change address, change phone number, contact your local police to make them aware of the religious abuse.
  6. Any conversations with EB should be recorded, they are notorious for lying about content of discussions and twisting what was said
  7. Buy a TV and a Radio
  8. Start to change your mindset and prejudices of other Christians and other Churches by becoming involved in a small way with one or two
  9. You won’t be struck down by lightening or cursed if you walk into a Christian Church, nor are other Christians and Christian Churches evil, or worldly, despite what you have been taught
  10. Research the internet for groups discussing the Exclusive Brethren and those exposing the group for what it is. These groups can be immensely therapeutic and cathartic, especially if you tell your story.
  11. Some say its best not to join a new Christian Church too soon and some say it’s best to search out a good Christian Church early on. For us finding a new Bible following Christian church was important as it helped to replace lost friends and relationships and provided a new church family to share experiences with and provide help and support in receiving from the harm and toxic teaching. Real genuine Christians will be very understanding and helpful
  12. Leaving the Exclusive Brethren (any group TW, Taylor Hales, Renton etc), is similar to leaving the Jehovah’s Witness. Mainstream Christian Churches are very familiar with ex Jehovah's Witness and helping them.
  13. Before joining any new Christian Church, do your research, take your time, visit a good number of them, in which do you feel most welcome or at home, in which is the teaching easy to understand etc
  14. If you do decide to leave the Christian faith for a while, that’s not a crime and God will not abandon you. God understands the spiritually abused
  15. If you do decide to leave the Christian faith altogether, after so much spiritual abuse and false teaching, that’s not a surprise
  16. The pull of family, friends etc is understandable but is not a reason to go back into a man made system of spiritual abuse masquerading as Christianity. Remember, Exclusive Brethrenism is not Christianity as taught in the Bible.
  17. Read The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse By David Johnson and Jeff Vanvonderen (Bethany House, 1991, 2005). 235 pages. Review as per this link – http://www.barnabasministry.com/review-spsa.htm
  18. Be free to ask new friends and church friends to be a witness to the religious abuse and hassle if the EB persist in trying to contact you
  19. If you do go to church don’t feel you have to engage straight away, just stepping in the doors of a Church is daunting on it s own. If its communion, just observe, or if you feel comfortable take the bread and cup at the Lords Table (it’s His Table, the Brethren do not own it or control it). There is no pressure on you, remember it is your faith, no one else’s, it is your choice, no one else’s.
  20. The Brethren have no control over you, or over your faith in God if you have it
  21. The Brethren will try to intimidate you and bully you, using whatever means they can to get you to submit to their will, don’t give in. There way is not Gods way
  22. Don’t feel afraid to seek counselling if you need it for emotional or psychological issues or other problems. There are groups and persons who can help.
  23. Don’t be afraid to seek help with housing or job etc, again there are systems and organisations in place to help There is no space on the survey for contact details – if needed I write under a pen name of Bother Rev at emailtherev@gmail.com